Nott SunShiNe. Nott SoNNeNScheiN. Now auriNgoNpaiSte.

A letter for Sunflower…

Say, sunflower… how long has it been? Three weeks? Or more? Since the day you ignored me for the first time. The first time ever since I know you.I can’t bear it, I can’t stand it. It hurts my heart a lot when you never answer me. Whether its my texts, my emails, those offline messages and even the phone calls. All rejected, all ignored.

I know, I know I did wrong, sunflower. Guess I hurt you a lot. Guess I really made you mad. But that doesn’t mean you can’t give me a chance to apologize, no? I cried so many nights and I didnt lie. I cried because I’m afraid to lose you. Now I’m starting to lose you. Bit by bit, little by little. You pull yourself away from me.

I don’t have anyone who understand my feeling, sunflower. Who will understand my pain anyway? Losing someone that I never meet, losing someone that I never touch. But this feeling is real, this pain is real. This fear of losing you is real.

Once I told a counsellor that’s been handling me for a year about this. She said I have done anything I can to get you back, trying my best so you will forgive me. But she said maybe you have decided to ignore me, and there’s no way I can change it. And I cried, my sunflower, I cried. I will never be ready to lose you.

Remember your pictures that exceed the number of a hundred in my hard drive, sunflower?
You wonder why I didnt delete it. I couldn’t throw it away because it would feel like throwing away a part of you that you allow me to see. I always enjoy seeing at those pictures and sighing dreamily. The one that I really love was in front of me. Yet so close, yet so far.

Remember the times when I told you I love you, sunflower?
I didn’t lie. I never lied about it. Deep inside in my heart, I know that I love you. I know that I enjoy everytime I talk to you. The way you treat me, the way you make me laugh, the way you cheer me up when I was down. But I don’t love you because of those things. I love you because I want to love you. And you said, that’s the best reason ever to love someone.

Remember the first time I seriously told you that I love you, sunflower?
You found it strange, and you were confused about your own feeling. I was hurt, and I said I wanted to move on. We lost contact for a week, and when we met again, I told you I already have a boyfriend. I never know how you felt when I told you this though.

Remember the time when I promised you that my love will always be yours, sunflower?
No matter which guy I was dating with, my love will always be yours. I was dead serious when I told you this, and I still am. I didn’t even care what you think. I just promised you my love, whether you want it or not. And you, being the sweet you as usual, accepted it without asking much. Because you understand what I wanted, I guess.

Remember when I was raped by my ex boyfriend, sunflower?
I called you and cried. Cried so painfully. Telling you the story between my sobs and whimpers. I cried not beacuse I was hurt, I cried because I felt like betraying the promise that I made to you. But you hussed me down, sunflower. You assured me that I didn’t betray any promise at all, cause you said I promise a love, not a body. I heard some silent sobs when you said it, sunflower. Were you crying too? I never know. However, weirdly, in only an instant, you could make me feel loved and happy again, sunflower.

Remember when you told me there’s a philliphine girl who was asking if you have a girlfriend, sunflower?
You said to her that you have someone you’re courting now. Eventhough you said to me that’s actually a white lie, and it was actually the other way around, I was still happy. I think you appreciate what I feel towards you.

I don’t even care whether you love me the same way as I love you or not. Sure it will be beautiful if you love me back, but I don’t care about it now. I know that you’re afraid of responsibility, afraid of commitment, as you always said, and I understand it. I accepted it. I don’t care if I can have you or not for now. What I care now is you never leave me, even if you don’t return the feeling the same way liek I do to you now.

Remember the time when you gave me the name Sonnenschein, sunflower? It means sunshine, you said. Fits the meaning of my real name. You would then call me sunshine, most of the time. Even called me your sunshine.

But now, it seems like I’m no longer your sunshine. Not your sonnenschein. I don’t know if I still can have this name anymore. I’m no longer your sunshine. You abandon me, you ignore me. I no longer shine. I don’t have anyone that I would shine brightly for.

I really miss you, sunflower, now and will be forever until you turn back to me. Come back to me, just don’t leave me. I won’t be dense anymore, I will try not to hurt you anymore. My love is only for you.

Just let me be me, be the sun that shines again.
That shines for you, and only for you, my sunflower.


3 Responses to “A letter for Sunflower…”

  1. alex said

    Terimakasih, Natt…

    *nyamar jadi si sunflower* 😎

    Eh? Pertama ya? 😯

    Mwaahahaha, nda mungkin banget si Sunflower bilang makasih 😆
    Wong pas saya kirim ini, dia langsung bilang it’s too late to apologize without even reading the letter 🙂
    Nda pertamax ko, page ini baru dibuat aja 😀

  2. begitulah manusia.. 100x minta maaf, 100x mengulangi kesalahan yg sama.. *berlalu*

    btw, seperti kata2 di lagunya queen.. too much love will kill you 🙂

    Aihh…. Yayayaya…
    Bener loh si sayah ndak dimaapin!! Sbagai gantinya malah dikirimin lagunya Timbaland-OneRepublic yang Aplogize 😥
    Lah sebenernya si sayah salah apa toh sama si sunflower!? Dianyah ajah jelesan!! *ngambek*

  3. Dianyah ajah jelesan!! *ngambek*

    apakah ini kesalahan yg sering terulang2 itu? 😯 , bikin salah, jeles, ngambek, minta maaf, bikin salah lagi, jeles, ngambek, minta maaf.. ad infinitum.. 😀

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