A Letter for Paiste…

Before reading:

This is a non-fictive letter. Paiste really is exist, and it means as ‘Light’ in Suomi. Like another letter; “A Letter for My Sunflower”, this is just another unspeakable words that keep on bothering me, which, if I have enough courage, will be sent to the person.

Paiste, also known as BB, is going back to his country at 22nd December 2007.

Thus, Auringon is mourning silently. 😥

 

Paiste,

From the start till the end, I have realized that this won’t last long. Either it’s because we don’t work, or time that matters.

Don’t you know that I was half hoping that we wouldn’t work? If it happened this way, I won’t have to deal with massive heartbreak like I will have, soon. 

Paiste,

Who could ever guess that we will work this way? Who could ever guess that the estimated three weeks turned out to months? No one. Neither did you, neither did I.

Paiste,

Remember the first time that we met each other? If it’s not because of your roommate, I would never meet you. I never guessed that you’re such a hunk. I was quite embarrassed when I met you, I didn’t know what to talk about, really. Especially you seemed like a non-talkative person, you know the type of ‘I-wont-talk-unless-you-disturb-my-territory’. It was quite hard for me to create conversations with you. Though it worked in the end.

Those little conversations every time I went to your room made me want to know you more. You know, just for getting someone to hang out with.

And we did hang out together after that. Lunch or dinner together at school, and until the first time we went to the city together, movie.

And until the first time you kissed me.

And until the first time I woke up next to you.

And until the whole days that I’ve spent with you.

The whole 24 hours per day that I’ve spent with you.

Paiste,

I wake up in the morning, opening my lazy eyes and I see you smiling at me. You give me your stupid butterfly kisses or a peck on my forehead. Dear, what else could a girl wish as a morning greet?

Paiste,

Isn’t it so stupid, that whenever one or both of us going to leave or enter the room, a stupid kiss will do as a word? I know it’s lame, I know you think the same. But why do we still do it?

Do you know I always enjoy it whenever we take a ride at the bus or the train? We would sit together near each other, stranding fingers and just talking stupid things? I really love these moments.

But I have to admit that I love it even more if we don’t get seats. You will hold on to the safety handle, meanwhile I circle my arms around your waist, resting my head on your chest, protected by your arm. How I enjoy glares from the people around us. They just can’t have the same thing. 

Paiste,

We have lots, lots of unspoken ritual that we don’t even know. They just happen without we realize, you know. It happened for almost 24 hours in a day.

Remember those random moments when we would just cuddling and give some stupid kisses whenever we look to each other more than 15 seconds? And the times when we would just randomly rubbing the tips of our noses, or tickling each other. Or when we were on an escalator ride, I swear they’re the sweetest little things.

And when the night fell, Paiste, having you sleeping beside me is the sweetest thing ever. 

Paiste,

If someone asks me if I love you or not, I don’t know what I would say. I’m too happy cherishing my time with you; I don’t even give a damn about the meaning of the word. As long as I’m with you, as long as I have you, who cares about it?

And I start to care about it when the time is getting near, Paiste. I don’t want to lose you; I want to have you, forever, with me, beside me. This is what my ego said, Paiste. I want you.

I realized that I love you, Paiste.

And I fell for you, even though the very first time we started all these things, I have sworn to my own heart that I couldn’t fall for you.

Because in the end it will all be a farewell, Paiste. You know it, I know it. You can think logically with it, I can’t. I’m willing to wait for you, and you don’t want me to waste my time waiting for someone like you. You told me that I will find someone else that is better than you.

Who is this better person when my definition of the best person is you, idiot!? A fucking Joseph’s identical twin!?

I can wait for you, Paiste. If only you will believe me in this. I know I used to be a godamn two-three timer, but I have got rid of the thoughts ever since that I’ve spent my time with you. 

Paiste,

I know that you will leave me. Facts are telling, time is speaking.

But I can wait, Paiste, I can wait.

I can wait until I will wake up, and seeing you smiling at me, again.

Even though for the long, long days before it, I can’t kiss you again, hold you in my hands and lay my head on your chest.

But they are only 24 hours, over and over again.

Over and over again, until then.

Twarn’t nothing. 

Paiste,

What is so wrong in a promise?

As long as we are willing, it will work.

Have faith in me.

Believe in yourself. 

And when you fly, Paiste, I will not cry.

I’m a big girl after all, and Fergie said that big girls don’t cry. 

Even though now I wonder what is trailing down my cheeks.

 

…

Auringon